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Bottled Water/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW The excitement this week down at the police station. The cops picked up jimmy gristle. Jimmy gristle the bootlegger? I'm glad, because operating a still is illegal. Nobody drank the stuff. We use it as windshield wiper fluid. Air would freeze before jimmy's booze. You'll have to go to humphrey's everything store and buy it there. At two bucks a gallon? I don't think so. I'll drive with zero visibility before I'll do that. If jimmy can make wiper wash, so can we. Go ahead and operate a still. If you have questions, you could always ask jimmy. I told you, jimmy's in jail. But it's a small jail. With luck, you'll be in the same cell. (audience laughing) (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): Today, we have a lot of harold, which is regrettable, but it's not that much worse than spending an afternoon with hap. There's harold again, creamed by corn. There's harold again, being a goof -- boy! We're on the verge of making moonshine. We've decided where to put the still. We can start gathering the stuff together. You're gonna operate a still and risk burning down the lodge, to save $1.00 on washer fluid? Harold, it's the principle. And it's $2.00. I refuse to pay humphrey's prices. How hard can it be to make wiper fluid? Isn't that something you said when you made beer and it blew up? But that was an accident, harold. Then there was the hawaiian luau night. What was wrong with that? You dug the fire pit over a gas line. Boy, that was a great fire pit. (audience laughing) that pig cooked fast, didn't it? I mean, before it exploded. It rained bacon bits for six days. That was really fun. (applause) (red): In keeping with our plan to make a still... Boy, that hurt. Anyway, bill has got an above-ground swimming pool to supply water to the still. This is one of these cheaper models. You can have a pool installed. I think it's about 5,000 bucks. You can buy one of these things for about 500 bucks. You take a while setting them up. You realize how ugly they are. You throw them away and buy a $5,000 one. There's the first step. "level the pool area." levelling areas is kind of-- here, look at this. This is something you may not be aware of. In many parts of the country, you can rent a bobcat without any prior experience. You don't need a special licence. You can go on up there. If you have a working visa card that belongs to you or perhaps someone that you found... If you've got that and they're covered, you can just go in there. They're not that hard to operate. You can have a good time. It just gets the job done that much faster. By the time you're finished with the bobcat and have all the equipment gathered together, you have enough time to do the job you were trying to do but you'll do that with just shovels -- something that you can handle. We'll be back later to show you how this thing turns out. Get real, bill. This is more manly anyway, right? ♪ there are many speedy vessels ♪ ♪ like speedboats and ski-boats and that ♪ ♪ even a tin boat with a 25-horse ♪ ♪ can get there in nothing flat ♪ ♪ sailboats tend to be slower ♪ ♪ whenever the summer wind stalls ♪ ♪ but a canoe can really get moving ♪ ♪ when you accidentally take her over the falls ♪ this week on "handyman corner", we'll build a machine that will run on the booze from jimmy gristle's still. I have a lawnmower. You guys are thinking, "what kind of machine could you make out of a lawnmower?" well, think about it. Hmm... It's obvious, isn't it? A robot! Oh, yeah! I'm gonna make a hooch-powered android -- a "hoochenoid". When I was a kid, used to get the "popular mechanics" magazines. They'd talk about how robots in the future would clean our houses and fetch everything for us. So far, all they've done is stolen our jobs. I'm gonna build my very own c3-pu... Or r2-detox... Something that will do my every whim. Hey, I'm gonna need a whim. I got this woman's wig head here. We're gonna make a woman robot. You want to paint her gold. Silver -- you want to paint her silver. Robots should always be silver. Just lay it on good and thick. There we go, and just set that aside. What you're gonna have to do is make a spine, which is a bunch of vertebrae or discs kind of attached together. For that, we could use hockey pucks and drill out the centre for your spinal cord. You could use p.V.C. Pipe and make a plastic... Plastic... Robot... I find the plastic hard to work with. Personally, I prefer the look and feel of wood. So I'm gonna build a wooden robot and have her "lumber" around. Lumber around. Always room for humour in the workshop. You wanna get the head and see how big the spine should be, you know, in proportion to the... By golly. Ok, the lacquer has kind of eaten the head away. We have a much smaller head. Not room for a very big brain, so we'll make it a guy robot. All right, so stack up your... Your various pieces of wood... Till it looks about in proportion. By golly, that looks human already. More than moose thompson does, anyway. Get yourself some nails and just start nailing one vertebrae to the next. It's just really that simple. I'm gonna use a different nail. That was the wrong kind. This is the right kind. See this kind of nail? This is... By golly. We'll get a different kind of nail. Always have lots of kinds of nails around in your workshop. No. Pointy end down. They're put... (grunting) yeah... All right. Bigger nail! There's the problem. Huh? Another spinal injury. Wait, I got a better idea for something mechanical to bring me my drinks and get me stuff. (machinery whirring) whoa, whoa, whoa! Ok, come on. All right, whoa, whoa! Hand me the tray, harold. Pour me a drink. (machinery whirring) oh, oh, oh, oh! Harold, watch it! You'll never replace a human. Coming up, where there's smoke, there's a fire extinguisher. Want to talk to you guys who are sitting there, unattached, the victims of a divorce or a joint chequing account. You're probably thinking about looking up that old girlfriend you had in high school, the one you took to the graduation sock-hop? There might be some appeal in rushing back to the only other woman you ever had a slow dance with, but I'm telling you, as a friend, think about a couple of things. First and foremost, time has not been kind to you. Too much gravity and too much gravy have taken their toll. (audience laughing) you don't look like you did on page 77 of the yearbook. Now zip over to her picture. Try adding 30 or 40 years to that. See where I'm coming from? Start with a clean slate. Date a woman you didn't know when she was young. You'll be attracted to her for what she is right now. There won't be nagging pictures from 30 years ago. She'll make sure of that. It might be a nice gesture if you did the same for her. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (audience laughing) well, this is the last of the stuff from jimmy gristle's still. We stole-- I'm sorry -- we salvaged the stuff. How are we doing at this end? I should remind you that I'm against this. I'm just here for the chemistry. Save your speech for the trial. I'm kidding you! I'm just kidding! Buster's got everything going in the kitchen. He's got the cauldron boiling. I found some sugar. We need corn for the mash. Should be cans in the kitchen. Some of it's creamed corn. That should be fine. When junior singleton gets here with his mom's lada, we're ready to start. Why use her car? We'll park it outside. We'll run a hose from the kettle to the engine. It's gonna process it. It's gonna pump it, filter it, skim it, puree it, and dispense it out the hole of the rad. That's the theory. It can do that? Uncle red, it's a russian car. It can do anything. Except start. (audience laughing) well, here we are with hap shaughnessy. We're trolling for trout. Hap caught himself a beauty last week. Should have seen the one that got away. Every fisherman says that. I said it first, red. Oh, really? Always had a flair for the one-liners. "make love, not war. "don't do anything I wouldn't do. "have a nice day." then there were my poems. "mary had a little lamb". You came up with all that yourself? You knew that, didn't you? No. I wrote book after book. Snappy sayings, quips, poems, phrases, nursery rhymes... "little jack horner", "london bridge is falling down"... "three little pigs"... "jack and the beanstalk", "little jack horner"... You already said "little jack horner". This was the sequel. You know, hap, I don't remember ever seeing any of those books. I've never used my own name, hap shaughnessy. I'm not one to take a lot of credit for stuff. That would lead to legal action. I used a pen name. The name I chose was arnold nonymous -- a. Nonymous for short -- so I didn't get any credits. All those nursery rhymes and phrases and poems... I've been quoted more often than shakespeare, but who would believe it? I can't think of anyone. If I had a nickel for every time I was quoted, I'd be a billionaire. If you don't mind me saying so, if ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we'd all have a great christmas. Well, there you go. Give me a nickel. Ok, this is the big one for a grand prize yet to be determined. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Stuyvesant to say this word. Thirty seconds, go. Um... Obligation. Mother. Appointment. Proctologist. (laughing) when you tell somebody you'll be there, that's a... Lie. When you care about something, it's because you've made a... Bet? I know, I know. If you give your girlfriend an engagement ring you're making a... Mistake. We may have down-played the danger of manufacturing a flammable liquid in an enclosed space under primitive conditions near an open flame in a wooden building on a shaky stove. But the fire's out now, and I think the initial explosion did not do too much structural damage. There's creamed corn everywhere! Everywhere creamed corn. It's like somebody blew up iowa. It's ok -- the fire is out. That car's still burning. But I think it landed far enough away from the lodge that we'll let nature take its course. What are the other guys doing? They're in the kitchen licking corn off the cupboards. I'm sorry, but you have to forget about distiling your washer fluid stuff. The still's destroyed, and I quit. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You'll have to swallow your pride and buy your washer fluid at humphrey's everything store. Real men don't swallow their pride. We just fake it. I don't know what we'll do. All we've got left is the empty bottles. Oh, oh, aw! I got-- oh, I know! This is incredible. We can bottle the spring water from possum hill. We can just bottle the water. Spring water. People are going to buy spring water, harold? Yeah, all the time. Ok, all right, you're gonna fill bottles with spring water and people will pay for it. That could work. Mr. Perrier isn't doing so bad. Come on, harold. What kind of gomer's are going to pay money for water that comes out of the ground? City people. Oh well. Oh yeah. All right. (red): With us switching to bottled water the above-ground pool makes even more sense. Luckily, we hadn't completely built it yet, 'cause it had only been seven days. If you ever get one of these things, try to live in a neighbourhood with a lot of people in it so that you can afford to lose a few friends. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Here's something for you teenagers. Be careful what you straddle. It can make a difference to your entire adult life. Come on, bill, up you go. Oh boy. We've got to put this pool liner on here. Imagine making a bed with this guy. Anyway, we got her on, and got a little handyman's secret weapon snuck into the project. Where is he? How did he do that? Tunnel out, bill, like they did in "the great escape". Or stay there. It might make an interesting design in the bottom of the pool. Oh man, what did he have for breakfast? This is the pump. It's a small unit. It's made to pump water, and we didn't have water. The air was unbelievable coming out of that thing. I thought bill would do those tricks where he makes animals. Now, here... Now, this... Ok, ok, goodbye, see ya. Bill tries to make it work, and then realizes -- no, bill. It looks like on of them popcorn makers, doesn't it? Bill runs and then trips, and the ladder has a spring effect. And he lands. Then bill gets the idea to push a hole through. Everybody out of the pool. Oh my gosh. Oh! And, uh, what have we got here? Well, it was just another day at the lodge. Two guys wasting time and money rolling around on the ground, being goofy, ending up wrapped in plastic. Man. Dougie's got advice for you guys in trouble. Well, dalton humphrey takes the cake. Try to do something good for local commerce, what does it get ya? If you want to do something, why not settle your bills? This isn't about paying bills. I took a bunch of possum spring water down there to see if they could sell it, and they say "it's got to be tested." turns out it's got so many minerals in it, the icicles point north. So nobody wants it? The centre for disease control ordered a couple of cases. I guess the moral for today is if you want washer fluid, buy it. You got off easy considering there was only one explosion, one kitchen fire, and that car's burning. Looks like an oil fire in kuwait. I can't worry about that. I'm stuck with 2,000 bottles with nothing in 'em. That's not true -- there's air in them. Well, that's almost nothing. That's a great idea. It's not just any air. It's the air of possum hills. We could start a trend here. Possum air? This is the perfect yuppie product. Fat-free, cholesterol-free, sugar-free, salt-free, no additives, no calories. We'll call it "possum light". She had that chat with you about how she gets stuck doing all the housework. You told her you'd help a little more, didn't ya? You said you'd pick up after yourself. Now she's calling you into the bedroom. And it's not for what you hope it is. At her feet is a humungous pile of your used underwear. Don't try saying something stupid like "I've been looking all over for them." be clever and turn the tables on her. Look down and go "those aren't mine. "have you been seeing someone?" no -- dwell on the positive. Say "storing used underwear in the bottom of the closet "is good for the environment "'cause you use less laundry detergent." and bring up the point, at least you're not leaving it around the kitchen any more. Welcome to the expert portion of the show. This week's experts are my uncle red and his friend, mr. Dalton humphrey. (applause and cheering) our letter goes as follows. "dear experts" ah-ah-ah. "my car is a wreck. "what do you do with a car that's too wrecked to fix?" obviously, youe got to sell the pig. That sounds a little unethical, mr. Humphrey. Selling a car that's unsafe and worthless. You wouldn't sell it to anybody you know. Yeah, I would. No, no, no, don't get me wrong. My friends and neighbours are a treasured and wonderful part of my life. I truly value each of them. I have to say that I am blessed to have so many of them in my life. But, well, hey, a buck's a buck. I think a lot of it is the wording of the ad. You've got to say, like, "for sale, as is, where is." or "car for sale, "stops and goes, mostly stops." or, "great vehicle for people who hate travelling." that's not lying. That's just good salesmanship. Say the floorboard's rusted. Say that's got a classic interior. Classic? Like the flintstone's car. See, now that's not lying. That's perjury. That's salesmanship. Harold, didn't I see you talking to that counsellor, trying to get a date? How did you describe yourself? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha. I might have said something about, you know, something about being tall, dark and handsome. Rather than tall, dork and useless. That's about as honest as our car sales pitch, isn't it? Not really -- the girl didn't break down. You should look at something with more miles on her. (laughing) I thought we were onto something. Shows what I know about yuppies in los angeles. Los angeles? Your air was turned down by los angeles? Yeah, they say it smells funny. I think we made a mistake putting that dead possum on the label. You could have rinsed the bottles out first. Doesn't matter -- I took the bottles back. I got enough money to buy 12 gallons of windshield wiper fluid. This winter I'll be letting her fly any time I feel like it. There's a lesson for you. Not to make a still out of a russian car or bottle water or can air during manure season, when all you want is washer fluid? No -- the lesson is, when you get to my age you should be able to let a little squirt go any time you feel like it. (possum squeal) meeting time. I'll be down in a minute. If my wife is watching, I'll be home after the meeting. When our neighbours see how clean our windshield is they'll think we have so much money we've stopped buying self-serve gas. To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of harold, myself and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause) (possum squeal) (harold): Ok. All rise. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down, guys. (harold): We should begin by reading the minutes of last week. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this is too much!